9-9-09

Just sitting here looking out the window watching the sky turn from sunny to cloudy, wondering where my life will take me next. Does life take u or do U take u? I think a nice balance and a sprinkle of each is best. I'm contemplating a move out of state. This will be the house I live and die in. This would be the final move and the final house. I dare not say "Final Destination!"

It's not like I haven't moved before. Geesh, I literally have moved 31 times in my entire life. Yeah, I can pack a mean box! But the older I get the less exciting this feels and the more work it becomes. I hope that's not a prelude for my future golden years....

It's that kind of scary/nervous/excited/anxious feeling. The kind of feeling that I, personally, adore! It's when u know u're alive, u're living above the average, the mundane. U're making choices for ur life that challenge u, make u think and feel deeply. I know there's no right or wrong answer here of whether to move or not, but I think I look at all of the work it entails(as I just moved 3 years ago), and I shrink a little. Bah-humbug! Don't want to pack another box. BUT I WILL. Keeping the end result in mind is my speciality. Do whatever it takes to obtain the goal u want to achieve. Wait, is that a Twinkie I hear calling.....?

Made some great goals.....

Had a great holiday weekend!

Mainly because I wrote down my goals for my life and not on a post-it-note this time. I love knowing that every day is just the beginning...just the start...to everything.

Such a heavy weight on my....ASS!

I'm so exhausted thinking about my weight gain and then pretending NOT to think about my weight gain. What a sick, sick game that is. Is it society telling us we should care so damn much or do we simply know we shouldn't have let this happen to our magnificently created bodies.

What bothers me the most is the fact that I let myself down by not losing weight, not eating healthy and not moving my butt more than from the couch to the fridge. I don't like how failure feels. I can't point the accusing finger at anyone but me and, well, ouch. Why does the Twinkie hold more self-respect than me? It's just laying there doing its job - taunting me, calling me, wanting me to stroke it, smell it, enjoy its fluffy, moist goodness. Ok, this is sounding sexual in nature, so I'll just keep going..... HA, u wish!

But it's me. It's all me. I'm a successful woman on so many levels (aren't we all). Then why is this challenge so very hard? What is it about losing weight that is so difficult? Lazy? Don't care enough? All of the above? Enough. My stomach is calling and the Twinkie is doing its dance....They both lose tonight and I win.

I REMEMBER.....

I remember the “smiling” eyes of my mother. Seemingly filled with a mixture of contradictions. A mix of pain and laughter; confusion and certainty; and loss and gain. All of this was captured by my young eye before she was able to blink it away.

I remember “lack” in my father’s eyes. Seemingly filled with a life that did not include me. A lack of warmth and sincerity; a lack of truth and care; a lack of touch. All of this was captured by my young eye before he was able to run out the door.

I remember “hate” in my brother’s eyes. Seemingly filled with a desire NOT to hate. A hate that burned so deep that I dare not get too close to be burned by the heat; a hate that drew me to him and away from him at the same time; a hate that lives to this day. All of this was captured by my young eye before he was able to become invisible.

Cravings.....

Hmmm.....how unhealthy or healthy is this (I guess it depends on ur perception):

I'M CRAVING CHOCOLATE AND VODKA!

Time for a chocolate martini, perhaps?

It's the start to the holiday weekend and we'll be bbq'ng, playing some volleyball and overall enjoying the great weather and great friends. Sounds like a beer commercial.

I just feel so alive today. The type of day where u just know the cape is in the closet, the wind is at ur back and the sky is the limit! I cling to these fearless days. My motto for my life is to "LIVE LIFE FEARLESSLY", so when I can actually live my motto I record it.

Goodbye summer, it's been a wonderful ride. Hello to another wonderful fall season. Now let's go have some fun....Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

I hate him / I hate him not....

I hate that I hate him;

I hate that he still sneaks into my mind;

I hate when a stranger has his name & I immediately think of him;

I hate that I dream of him;

I hate that after all this time, I still can't hear a certain song w/o his memory attached;

I hate that we didn't make it work;

I hate that he still thinks it's ok to try to contact me whenever the mood strikes;

I hate that there will always be a part of me that loves him......

Contemplating....

I'm contemplating apologizing to every person I have hurt. Well, every person that is still in my life, as I'm sure I hurt the person I gave the finger to the other day when I was enjoying my "Starting Today" day.

I can see the benefits in falling on my sword and holding myself accountable for the pain I may have caused another. Especially those I truly care about. I realize people hurt and disappoint each other - that's a given - but I need movement from those feelings.

I need to know that we are shifting away from those feelings and will experience them less and less once confronted and released. I would want them to know that "u can't know what u don't know." And there was a time in my life that I sure didn't know a lot though, of course, I thought I knew exactly what I was doing and why. Most of my apologies, thank GOD, will be from things said and/or done in my youth - my 20's. Ahhh, long live my 20's....

Ok, no more contemplating. It's simply a good idea to let someone know u are truly sorry for any pain caused by ur lack of insight and thoughtfulness. I've never been disappointed in my decisions when they are based in love.....NO, not love of self, silly.

I'm off to see the Wizard.....

Starting today....

Have u ever had a "Starting Today...." day? One where u promise urself that u're going to eat right, exercise more, smile at everyone, get healthy, etc.

Then the day passes and turns into night while u wonder why there's chocolate drying on the corner of ur lip, u're wearing ur sweats but no sweat is on ur brow, u're pretty certain u gave someone the finger when they cut u off, and the only healthy feeling is the thought that "Tomorrow is another day!"

Geesh.

Let's get the butt in gear, please.